Being A “Problem Solver” Is Not A Flex
Saying you’re a problem solver as one of your key strengths is a red flag, not a flex.
Stay with me…
I can’t tell you how many times a client proudly describes herself as “a problem solver” on our first coaching call. And yes, solving problems is an incredible skill. But what that actually means for most women is this:
Working 12 hour days, answering “quick questions” all day, rescuing colleagues who didn’t plan ahead so you’re absorbing everyone else’s urgency like it’s your responsibility, which means you're getting home an hour later, so you miss your child’s basketball game.
‘Problem solver’ at the office means you become the unofficial emotional fire department. The one people call when they’re overwhelmed, upset or having a full-on existential crisis on a Tuesday. Somehow the projects that people are behind on and slide decks that need refining, get routed to you, even when none of it was your role or responsibility to fix in the first place.
Here’s the part no one likes to admit on day one of our work together, but ends up freeing them 2 months into coaching (I didn’t like admitting this either)…
Being a “problem solver” is an identity you cling to for validation.
You don’t just solve problems. You accidentally manifest more of them, because it feels good to be needed…until it doesn’t because it’s costing your health, a good night’s sleep, friendships and your relationship with your partner and kids.
That noble “problem solver” label is really just keeping your nervous system in a constant state of alert.
A delayed response, a missed deadline or a teammate’s silence all become ‘proof’ you need to jump in and fix it.
A client’s bad mood becomes your emotional burden.
Rest feels wrong, so you scroll, plan or problem-solve in your head instead of enjoying the extra moment to pause and take a breath.
And then you tell yourself you’re “just being nice.” But really?
You’re addicted to being indispensable. Because if you’re solving the problem, you matter.
If you’re the one they come to, you’re safe.
If you’re the hero, you can’t be criticized.
And if you’re not coming to the rescue…who are you even?
Meanwhile your body is like:
Please, for the love of God, sit down.
And then you wonder why you’re exhausted, anxious and resentful.
Well, when your calendar is always full [but yet your cup is empty], you’re answering Slack messages from the grocery store, checking email during date night and telling yourself rest doesn’t feel relaxing because it feels like you’re falling behind, that will happen.
This pattern keeps your nervous system on high alert. Rest feels wrong because if you stop fixing, you’re terrified everything will fall apart, or worse, that someone else will notice you’re human.
[And then you wonder why you feel resentful, anxious and invisible. When does the cycle end, love?].
Here’s the truth: not every problem is yours to solve. And solving everyone else’s problems is the fastest way to avoid your own.
The most powerful leadership flex isn’t fixing. Sometimes the most powerful leadership move is pausing instead of jumping in, trusting instead of fixing or guiding instead of managing. It’s understanding that over-functioning is not noble, it’s self abandonment.
When you stop over functioning as a way to feel good about yourself, you finally see that the exhaustion, the resentment and burnout weren’t coming from everyone else. They were coming from the part of you that didn’t believe you mattered without ‘doing’. Heal that, and everything shifts: your energy, your relationships, your boundaries, your life. Literally everything.
Try these reframes instead of calling yourself a problem solver.
I’m a calm, grounded leader who brings steadiness to any room.
I create clarity with intention and presence.
I guide conversations toward aligned, sustainable solutions.
I guide people to think clearly and access their own wisdom.
I lead with steadiness, vision and discernment.
I hold space for resolution, collaboration and growth.
When you release the need to fix, you create space to actually lead. You stop managing chaos and start embodying clarity [the kind that people can feel in your presence].